While some relationship problems develop over time, other problems come at you without much warming. One such problem that often hits suddenly is infidelity. This is definitely one of those common marriage busters that many of us find ourselves totally unprepared to deal with.

Finding out your spouse has taken a lover can be one of the most devastating problems you may ever be faced with. It brings with it a whole bunch of feelings, including some you might not have even suspected you'd feel. You'll be surprised at how the actions of your spouse can make you feel so bad about yourself. Your self-esteem will get pounded, you'll feel not only angry at your spouse, but also personally humiliated, rejected, hurt, embarrassed and any number of other feelings. In fact, most people who've experienced an affair in their relationship are convinced that it is the worst marital pain they could possibly experience. And the odds aren't working in your favor either, as more than 50% of all spouses will experience this at some time in the marriage.  

One excellent resource that I came across as I was going through this myself was "The Anatomy of an Affair". This is a really great eBook that you can get your hands on right now that is going to give you some really great information on infidelity. The information in here will help you understand why affairs happen, and help you find your own ways to move past this episode with your self-respect and self-confidence intact.

But let's forget the statistics and keep this personal. At this point, I'm going to assume that you are responding to an affair that has been revealed, and that we're not just talking about suspicions here.

The first thing I want to do is talk about some of the feelings that you are most likely feeling right now. If you are normal, you're experiencing a whole range of emotions, and if you're like me, you might actuially fear that you are losing your sanity as your emotions take you on a wild roller coaster ride. But take heart, the things you are feeling are perfectly normal reactions to the situation you are currently experiencing, and while I know you probably don't believe me right now, I promise that these emotions will eventually fade and pass by and your life will become normal again. But first, let's talk about what you maybe feeling right now.

Denial

- This is a very normal first reaction, and most of us will spend some period of time simply refusing to believe that our spouse is involved with someone else, no matter how compelling the evidence may be. But try to be honest with yourself and accept what has happened. Only through honesty and clarity can you get through this, no matter what ultimately happens with your marriage.

Anger

- Don't be surprised to find yourself angrier than you've ever been before. An affair attacks the very foundation of our day to day life, robbing us of our security, violating the vows we took when we married, and stripping away all the peace of mind we got from being married. A normal reaction is to be mad as hell at your spouse and at the other person who has come along and invaded our life. But this is also one of the more destructive emotions you'll be working through, so please try to keep this one under some form of control. Don't deny that you're angry, but also don't allow yourself to give in to blind anger and lash out in some way that you will wind up regretting later on. When I first wrote this page, a woman in Texas was on trial for killing her husband with her car in a fit of rage after she followed him and his lover to a motel. She ended his life, ruined hers forever and the toll she has taken on her children simply cannot be measured. Anger must be controlled! You must accept it, but find a way to keep it under control and make every attempt to move past this most destructive of all emotions.

Rejection

- It's pretty much impossible to not feel personally rejected when you find that your spouse has placed another before you. Your self-esteem will probably hit an all time low at some point before you recover. Here's where I recommend that you turn to your friends and family for strength.  Try to surround yourself with those people who love and respect you, draw strength from their feelings towards you, and try not to allow yourself to believe you are unworthy of love just because of the actions of your spouse. Try to understand that your spouse took the actions they did because they are struggling to solve their own personal problems.  It is not necessarily your fault, and YOU ARE NO LESS OF A PERSON because your spouse committed adultery.

Now, this list is by no means the absolute complete list. It's more a starting place to help you understand the wide range of emotions you may be feeling, and to help you accept the fact that they are a normal result of what has happened. What you're going through is normal, and it's important to understand that you may feel different emotions at different times. You may be mad one minute, depressed the next and then slip back into denial before working around to being mad again. Again, don't worry, you're not losing your mind!

Affairs happen for lot's of reasons, but mostly they happen when one person finds that some of their emotional and physical needs aren't being met inside of their marriage. For right or wrong, they turn outside the marriage in search of what they are missing. Perhaps they've even tried to work things out with their partner first, but have been rejected, rebuffed or otherwise not taken seriously. In my particular situation, my wife suffered from low self-esteem, and found that being overly friendly and flirtatious with other men made her feel temporarily better about herself.  Eventually, her behavior led to physical affairs, more than one, and some that took place over long periods of time.  The entire time this was going on, I was totally unaware of the fact that she was so desperately searching for ways to feel good about herself.  Had I been paying more attention to what was going on with her, I may have been able to help her combat some of her self-esteem issues.

Affairs are also double-edged swords, typically the person who is actually having the affair finds themselves filled with conflicting emotions.  While their new lover fills some of the needs they are so desperately searching for, the act of cheating on their spouse may also bring feelings of self-loathing, shame and even in some instances thoughts of suicide.

If you're in a situation that involves infidelity, you've got a tough road ahead of you if you really want to put your relationship back together.  The first step that needs to happen is that the affair needs to end, totally and completely.  You are entitled to ask for that, and to get complete cooperation from your spouse on this point.  If your spouse can't break off the affair, can't come clean to you and promise and be held accountable to prove that the affair is no longer going on, you're not going to get past it.

You're also entitled to complete honesty about the affair.  Your spouse may not want to tell you all about how it happened, how he/she got together with the third party, but you have a right to know how the affair was handled, how the two of them spent time together, etc., so that you can watch for similar patterns in the future.  Your spouse must become totally accountable for her/his schedule, proving through both action and accountability that the affair has no chance of starting up again.

That's the first step.  The affair must stop, your spouse must promise to take whatever steps are necessary to keep from being tempted to resume the affair, and you must be able to be shown that your spouse is working to rebuild your trust by proving that the affair is done.