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Talk to almost anyone who has discovered that a spouse has been having an affair, and one common theme you’re sure to hear about is how damaging the discovery is to a persons’ self-respect. There are few things in life as sure to clobber your sense of self-worth as infidelity. Trust me, I’m speaking from experience here, and I know for a fact that once you get over the initial shock and anger that comes from the discovery, you’ll almost certainly begin to be filled with feelings of self-doubt. But as I’ve said before on this site, protecting your health, both mental and physical is one of the keys to getting through this turbulent time and getting on the road to recovery.
In this article, I’m going to give you some key steps you can take to get your sense of self-worth back.
The Results of The Crash
After you discover that your spouse has been cheating on you, you’ll no doubt go through an entire range of emotions. Your no doubt going to be hurt, you’ll for sure be angry, but often times, we turn some of that anger inward and that’s often where the self-respect starts to take a hit.
We ask ourselves questions like:
Why didn’t I know this was happening?
How could I have missed all the signs, the sudden nights working late, the unexpected trips out of town, etc.?
What’s so wrong with me that would cause my spouse to do this to me?
Why wasn’t I enough to keep my spouse satisfied?
Let’s face it, if you’re inner dialogue is full of questions along those lines, it’s no wonder your self-respect has taken a beating. In life, we’re sometimes our own best champion, and when our inner dialogue turns negative, it can be very difficult to return to a state of feeling healthy and filled with self-worth.
It’s not unnatural to turn some of your anger inward. This is a tumultuous time, filled with doubts: about your marriage, your spouse, yourself and even what you want to have happen next.
But it’s important for you to realize that these negative thoughts are something that you can get control of, that you don’t have to be stuck in this whirlpool of self-doubt and with some effort, you can begin to turn things around and get yourself back on track towards a more positive self-image.
Keep this in mind: no matter what anyone has done around you, what actions your spouse has taken – your mind is yours and your alone! You are the one who controls what goes on there. You can’t control other people, but just as you can’t control them they certainly cannot control your mind. Only you can do that, and if you are determined to regain your mental health, noone can stop you!
Get Your Self-Respect Back
You aren’t the person who caused your spouse to decide to cheat. No matter what excuses may have been tossed out since you’ve discovered the affair, that’s all they are, excuses. They are not valid justifications for the lack of personal integrity your spouse has demonstrated, they are just excuses. Maybe things were no going so great in your marriage before the infidelity took place, but it’s really quite silly to think that having an affair would do anything positive for the marriage.
Affairs make a struggling marriage worse – every time!
Your spouse made poor decisions and you are suffering the pain as a result of it. You didn’t ask for this train wreck, but you’re smack dab in the middle of it. You probably feel like your entire world is out of your control right now, and this loss of control is another major contributor to your loss of self-respect.
So, how do you get yourself well? Here’s 3 important things you can do to begin the recovery:
1 – Take Personal Responsibility
You’re not responsible for the actions of your spouse, but you are responsible for your life! And, if you’re still interested in saving your marriage , you are responsible for helping to get the healing started between you and your spouse. But don’t forget, you are NOT responsible for the affair!
There’s only one person who can change the tone of your inner dialogue, and that person is you. Stop beating yourself up mentally, stop telling yourself you somehow deserved this or that you made it happen. Change the tone from negative to positive, and you’ll start to change the way you feel about yourself. Tell yourself that you’re strong and resilient and capable of getting this tough time behind, and your words will begin to translate into positive emotions.
2 – Reality Check
I’m not telling you to deny the fact that you’re angry. Accept it, it is the reality of the moment. But don’t believe that these feelings are permanent, they aren’t! I’m a big believer that we have to be honest with ourselves, so if you’re depressed, accept it, but also believe that you’ll recover from it.
Once you accept the reality of the moment, this particular moment will already be on its way past you. I don’t want to minimize things, but think for a minute about how we feel when the car has a flat tire. We think “Dang, flat tire, this really sucks!” But do we think “This car will never move again”? No, we think about what it’s going to take to get the flat fixed so we can get back on the road. This time in your life can be a lot like that. Sure, it’s certainly a bad time right now, no doubt about that and no denying it. But what I want you to believe is that this bad time isn’t permanent.
3 – Feed the Positive Emotions
Your marriage has probably not been in a great state for some time now. If you really examine the state of things, it’s probably been a while since things were as happy and fulfilling as they were to begin with, even when you were still in the dark about the affair. Life probably wasn’t all the much fun, especially with your spouse for a while or let’s face it, you wouldn’t be where you are right now.
So, let’s start to turn things around be starting to work on getting some of the fun back in to your life and hopefully also back in to your relationship.
I’m not saying that you need to ignore the hard work that must take place if you’re going to save your marriage, but I am saying that you do need to start working on getting some positive things back into your life if you’re going to start enjoying it again. Your emotions and your very spirit have taken a beating, but you can lift them back up. If you’ll start to nurture and love yourself again, you’ll find your sense of self-worth starting to recover.
In fact, if you’ll indulge me, I’ll offer you this challenge. You’re sitting here reading this right now, you know you’re full of these negative mental conversations, you’re feeling low, sad, angry, hurt, confused and more. But I’d like to challenge you to just stop for a moment and see if you can’t come up with something that you can do for yourself that will make you feel some sense of happiness, even if it’s a just a short little “blip” on the emotional radar. Find it, and then do it. And then, congratulate yourself and revel in that one positive thing. It’s ok to feel ok, even in the midst of what you’re going through right now.
And if you can do today, do at least one small thing that makes you feel better for a minute, you will have taken your first step on that journey toward regaining your inner happiness and self-confidence. And if you can do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. As they say on the shampoo bottles, lather, rinse, repeat!!
I’ve always felt that those of us going through this turmoil sometimes need an outlet, need to talk with others who can understand exactly the crazy things we’re feeling, and I’d truly like to hear from you on this subject. Remember, your story might also help someone else get started on their own path to healing.
Won’t you please share a bit of what you’re feeling now, and if possible, tell me how you’re taken that first step towards getting your inner voice speaking positive things again?
We’re here because we want to get this bad time behind us, so please share what you’ve done that’s helped you.
If you didn’t find enough information here, I’d offer another course of action. Go sign up right now for a FREE course from Dr. Frank Gunzburg designed specifically to help you learn how to survive an affair.
Thanks,
Jon
Let’s assume the scenario has gone something like this. You are going along with life, feeling like things are ok when suddenly, completely out of left field, you get clobbered with the discovery that your spouse has been having an affair. Suddenly, everything has changed. Even if your spouse has broken off the affair and promised to do whatever it takes to save your marriage, you are probably wondering if you can ever trust this person again.
Your conversations are most likely suffering or almost completely non-existant. You may find your self talking about just the neutral subjects, the kids’ schedule, things that you absolutely have to talk about, but the conversation that really need to happen, those that are key to getting your relationship on the road to recovery are just not taking place.
You might think that saving your marriage is going include any number of the following:
- Tense discussions that end in a fight
- Long, uncomfortable silences
- Painful accusations and recriminations
- Negative thoughts, images and emotions
- Emotionally exhausting efforts to resolve conflict
I don’t want to try to sell you a bill of goods by telling you that saving your marriage and getting that vital communication channel flowing again is going to be easy. I know you might look at that nasty menu of choices and wonder to yourself if you’ve got the strength to go through with this.
But if I could make you believe one thing, it would be that you don’t need to sell yourself – or your marriage – short! True, there is going to be a certain amount of difficult work that needs to take place to get you from where you are today to where you want to be, but I would also remind you that absolutely nothing in life that is good comes without some work. And by putting some effort into the process, the rewards will be all that much sweeter when you accomplish your goal!
And believe it or not, you can even keep an element of FUN in the process!
If your relationship is to survive – this element is a critical one
You’re probably thinking I’m nuts right now, or that you must have read that wrong, but I’m not nuts and you read it right!
I’ll be right now you might be hard pressed to remember the last time you experienced any fun with your spouse. And the idea of trying to re-introduce some fun at this point might seem as pointless as re-arranging the deck chairs as the Titanic starts to sink.
However, if you truly want to move forward as a couple, you absolutely must rebuild the bond between you and your spouse. The only way you can start to distance yourself from the negative memories of the bad things that have taken place is to crowd them out with fresh memories of good times again. You’ve got to work a bit to re-ignite that spark that was there in the beginning that drew you and your spouse together in the first place.
And one way to do that is to start dating your spouse again. Yep, that’s what I said, start dating again.
Set aside some time that is dedicated to just the two of you. Find ways to be a couple again. Here’s some ideas you might use as a starting point:
Ever since things went south, you’ve probably been racking up a list of bad things that have happened. Stop doing that. Instead, sit down and try to come up with a list of things that the two of you could do together. And since we’re talking about getting the communication flowing again, I’d recommend you do this together. Maybe each of you should make a short list, 4 or 5 ideas each, and then combine that list. Now you’ve got a starting point, some concrete ideas of some dates that the two of you can do together.
Pick one at random off that list. Pull the calendar out and select the day. Write it in ink! Put it in your planner or your phone calendar, but make it official.
If you’re really going to do this, if you’re determined to get the communication going and the relationship put back together, you MUST start taking some action!
- Put the conflict aside for that date and go have fun
I know it will feel a bit wierd at first. You might be a bit jittery as you try to let go of that pile of negative emotions you’ve been carrying around, but if you truly try to relax and give the negativity the night off, you will probably find that you can begin to reconnect at some level with your partner.
Don’t expect things to be suddenly cured with one date, but on the other hand, don’t set yourself up for failure by believing it can’t help. Even if all you manage on that very first date is some neutral, semi-relaxed conversation over dinner, it’s one HUGE step in the right direction!
Ok, so the first one’s behind you. That first small step has now been taken towards rebuilding trust, injecting some fun back into your marriage and getting the two of you past the pain. The next step is to simply do it again. Schedule the next one, pick another idea off the list and set another date. I’ll bet you’ll find that the second one is much easier than the first.
And let’s don’t forget while we don’t always talk about, you should also consider that it might be fun to dress up a bit, make sure you’re trying to be attractive to your spouse! I’d even suggest you flirt a little! Remember how fun it is to be desired? Rebuilding the sexual aspect of your relationship is absolutely as important as any other aspect of things.
The path to recovery is just like every other path in life, it has to begin with that first step, but following that first step must always come a second. If you and your spouse can agree to walk that path together, you will certainly find that your journey can be one that doesn’t end in Divorce.
You may want to take a minute to sign up for the Free Courses on Rebuilding The Love. You’ll get as much excellent advice as you need to help you get things back on track.
Best wishes!
Jon
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www.Survive-Divorce.com
As I write this post, the Holiday Season is closing in, often the most difficult time of year for people going through or recovering from a recent divorce. It’s also this time of year that we often spend more time around family members that we might not see very often the rest of the year. I was talking to a friend the other day, and she described a situation that got me thinking.
In this era of Facebook, I think it’s safe to assume you know what I mean when I say someone has “unfriended” you, right?
Well this young lady had found that to her surprise, she had been “unfriended” by a bunch of her family members recently, simply because she had chosen not to take sides while another family member went through a divorce.
You read that right, her own family members had decided that since she hadn’t taken the same “side” they had in another family members’ divorce, they were going to exclude her from their “social network”.
I think we all need to remember that Divorce can bring out the worst in everyone at some time or another. You can’t control the actions or responses of other people, all you can do is take care of yourself and mind your own reactions.
Don’t think just because family members are related by blood that they’ll always behave the way you expect them to.
Love them all, and forgive them when they treat you badly. In my experience, the bonds of blood ultimately bring sensibility back to the situation, so don’t write off a family member who might say or do something that hurts your or causes you discomfort through this process.
Best Wishes and Happy Holidays to you!
Jon
Let’s talk for a minute about all the things you stand to lose in the Divorce. You might lose the nice house you’ve been living in all these years. A big chunk of the 401K account might be going away. The nice feel of having a warm body next to you in bed on a cold night is gone already or soon will be. Are these the things you’re going to miss most when the Divorce is final? If I were to ask you right now, right in the thick of the fight, you might quickly answer “Hell Yes!”
You might tell me that the main reason this Divorce is turning into a fight is precisely because you don’t want to lose half of your retirement, or the nice house you’re living in, or the car, or the washer and dryer, or whatever else it happens to be that you’re fighting for. But I might offer up one thing that I think is more important than all of these that you may be at risk of losing, and you may not even have thought about it yet.
I’m talking about your Self Respect. When all this stuff is behind you, it’s pretty likely that you’ll manage ok without the washer and dryer, you’ll build the retirement account back up, but if you’ve done a bunch of things during the process that you recall with regret, if you’ve lost your self respect, you’ll really be missing something important.
When you’re in the thick of things, emotions are running high, tempers are flaring and it’s tough to keep your cool. But if you can take a moment now and then, to consider what you would do or how you would respond if you weren’t so mad, you might find that you’re able to step back a bit, cool down and make more rational decision about what you really need to do in order to maintain your own personal self respect. Lashing out may seem like the right thing in the spur of the moment, but don’t be too surprised if you don’t feel all that great about it after the fact.
Hanging on in desperation to some thing might seem perfectly logical at the time, but when the dust has settled and you’re waking up to a new fresh attitude of starting over, you don’t want to have a bunch of desperate behaviors hanging in your closet, holding you back from feeling good about yourself.
Jon
Did your spouse tell you, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you?”
What does that statement mean?
Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.
A person who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,” is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love!
When a person says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,” they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.
CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them.
Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with the President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them.
While someone who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” seems to be making a distinction between “different loves;” in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).
Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person.
And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable—you can “make” love.
This is exactly why I created the Marriage Fitness program. I wanted to offer people a step-by-step system to make and maintain love in their marriage. And the program works for any marriage, even if only one spouse does it.
Very often in my private coaching sessions, someone will say to me, “I love my spouse, but I’m not IN LOVE with my spouse.”
My immediate response is to ask, “Can you list for me 5 ways in the last week that you’ve DEMONSTRATED your love for your spouse?”
I usually hear noise on the other end of the phone; grunts, partial statements, and gasps for breath, but none of what I hear ever passes for an answer to my question.
“I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”
Of course, this is all fine and good, but it’s really your spouse who needs to hear this, right?
Do NOT print this blog article out and give it to them. And do NOT tell them what I said.
Getting your spouse from “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” to “Okay, let’s give this another chance” is a tricky task. If this is your situation, it’s crucial you handle it strategically. One false step and your marriage could be over. If you take the right steps, you can draw your spouse back in and begin to restore your marriage TOGETHER. How do you do that?
Learn more about the Marriage Fitness system of relationship renewal by subscribing to my FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and getting a FREE marriage assessment. Click here to subscribe. It’s FREE.
Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach
Yesterday morning, there was a mourning Dove outside my window. The soft cooing of that bird made me think that Spring might be getting close to the part of the country that I call home. I can’t wait! I love to get outside and do things, get active again and get my Vitamin D absorption up. If you’re in a part of the country that continues to be pounded by snow, try to keep focused on just how Sweet it will be when Spring gets to your part of the world. And remember, it will get there, no matter how distant it might seem today!
The same can be said for peace of mind. I know that in the midst of the emotional turmoil that accompanies the breakup of a marriage, we often forget that life will ever return to normal. But just as Spring in inevitable, so is emotional recovery. It might take time, but never give up on the belief that your pain will ease, your anger will go away and your heart will mend! Try to look past today, just as you have to look past bad weather, and watch for the good times on the horizon. The more focused you are on getting through this painful time, the quicker you’ll be through it.
I now have a Twitter feed that you can follow, to make sure you’re updated regularly about the Blog updates, what’s going on in my life, etc. Follow me at http://twitter.com/jonrousch. I’ll do my best to make sure I keep you posted and who knows, I might even make you smile or chuckle from time to time.
Ok ladies, if you’ve read much of the main Survive-Divorce.com site, you probably already have a pretty good feel for my stand on parenting through a Divorce. I think it’s the most important issue there is! Let’s face it, the adults will survive, they understand what’s going on, but the kids are pretty much caught in the middle. Not only do they not really have the capacity to fully understand what’s going on, but they don’t get to make many of the choices in the situation. When Custody begins to be addressed, all too often the adults let their anger and hurt feelings affect their judgment about what’s really right for the kids. I know that at this point in your life, taking any advice from a man might be the farthest thing from your mind, but if you’ll give me just a minute or two, I think this is really important.
I am always on the lookout for unbiased, progressive ideas regarding Custody arrangements and recently I came across some resources that you might find extremely helpful. Psychologists Dr. Gail Elliot and Dr. Barry Bricklin have teamed up to put together some Child Custody strategies that are written with specific focus on the issue from the perspective of the individual parent. As a woman, your approach to the Custody portion of your Divorce may require different specific strategies than those of your ex-spouse. I think that you’ll find their ebook to be an excellent guide to the process you are going through. Take a look for yourself and see if you don’t think agree.
Please resist the urge to assume that the Father of your Children no longer needs to be heavily involved in their lives, just because you want him out of your life! It takes two parents to raise good kids, and so as you go through this Divorce, the Custody issue is one that you need to try to address with ONLY the best interest of your kids as the primary concern. The resources put together by Dr. Elliot and Dr. Bricklin are geared towards that end, and they are written so that your specific perspective as a Mother are taken into account. If you don’t think this is the particular information you need, please keep looking for balanced, objective guidance to this all important aspect of your Divorce.
If you’ve read much of the main Survive-Divorce.com site, you probably already have a pretty good feel for my stand on parenting through a Divorce. I think it’s the most important issue there is! Let’s face it, the adults will survive, they understand what’s going on, but the kids are pretty much caught in the middle. Not only do they not really have the capacity to fully understand what’s going on, but they don’t get to make many of the choices in the situation. When Custody begins to be addressed, all too often the adults let their anger and hurt feelings affect their judgment about what’s really right for the kids.
I am always on the lookout for unbiased, progressive ideas regarding Custody arrangements and recently I came across some resources that you might find extremely helpful. Psychologists Dr. Barry Bricklin and Dr. Gail Elliot have teamed up to put together some Child Custody strategies that are written with specific focus on the issue from the perspective of the individual parent. As a man, your approach to the Custody portion of your Divorce may require different specific strategies than those of your ex-spouse. I think that you’ll find their ebook to be an excellent guide to the process you are going through. Take a look for yourself and see if you don’t think agree.
Throughout the site, I always strive to help people reduce the “war” factor in their divorce, but while I am an advocate for a more peaceful, thoughtful approach to Divorce, I’m not blind to the fact that you may be in a situation where you need to get fully informed, and take aggressive steps to safeguard your own interests and those of your children. I hate to see either parent get sidelined in the lives of their children just because Mom and Dad can’t get along anymore. Don’t let that happen to you, it’s not right for you and it’s not right for your kids! If you don’t think the resource I’ve linked to here is right for you, please don’t stop looking! You owe it to your kids to make sure they have the best chance at having two fully involved parents in their lives, for the rest of their lives!
Jon
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